Frame of Reference: Good Morning

Good Morning.
Look east toward the dim pink
glow as the early morning sky
loses its Star quality.
Its gestation continues as the display
of color brightens.
Your mind is lazy from sleep
so linger, enjoy this moment of
transition.
If you watch carefully you can
gain a new perspective.
Can you feel Earth's motion?
As the horizon drops ever so slowly,
Falling lower, you feel your height,
Briefly anxious, you fear the descending
Edge.
This is the moment of Truth.
Sun does not rise,
Earth and you fall forward
into its gaze.
The pink shading encircling the globe
erupts into an orange-yellow epiphany as you
accept this motion and
acknowledge Earth's rotation.
The descent broadens as the pale
yellow glow turns blue,
the day matures and your
sensation of movement fades.
You have in this moment
perceived yourself as part of Universe.
You have felt the fear and humility
only your species can comprehend.
Does this simple truth awaken other
questions about who you are?
Why you're here?
These questions come to mind
as easily as the erroneous concept
of the rising Sun.
You are not caused To Be by an
unseen force any more than
Sun rises.
You are a self, a conscious,
in mathematics you are a given.
So the Why? does not apply.
Asking why is an anachronism of
the night waiting for Sun to Rise.
Ask instead: 'What' and accept the new
day as a canvas upon
which you can create your life's beauty
and do what you will.
Don't deny the fear, the anxiety of creating
your own unique answer.
Accept humbly the glory of your potential.
Find in the splendid colors of the early
morning sky the inspiration
to create a thrilling life, a
masterpiece when freely shared
with the ones you love. (IJ - August 30, 1998)

The last days in Suan Monkk

We are up as usual the third day and I crash/half asleep toward the sala to open the day with meditation as during each previous day. "In the dark comfort
candlelight flickers
enclosing the sala in a dim curtain."
The routine of the day begins to unfold as a quieting factor, reducing distractions.
We go to Yoga and I try to be moderate. I find myself staggering around with my balance disturbed by my reduced blood supply associated with the atrial-fibrillation, but I try to walk mostly normal.
Occasionally I check my pulse just to humor myself, the beat is so irregular it feels like some kind of jazz rhythm, making a normal heart beat seem so boring.
To breakfast at 8:00 with the same rice can-gee (although I am not sure that is what I should call it.) Then back to my cell for a nap.
Mindfulness of breathing is what unlocks all other considerations (the remaining 12 follow almost automatically.) That is what we are taught. The teaching and emphasis of Anapanasati has changed since I read about it. And of course that is what I came here for, to do it and learn the nuance, rather than the simple crude knowledge.
We did more walking meditation today. A monitor lizard came bye, sticking out his tongue in doubt and disgust.
The fourth step (tetrad) is a training, (single-pointed guarding the breath) for the insight into the next 12 steps used as objects of meditation.
Vedana, feeling support of mindfulness, is seen as rapture (jhana) and only process that operates as mind conditioning.
My thought in contrast suggests: This is not "buddhism" but hollow teaching of bliss and rapture. They have rebelled against the useful symbols of Buddhist ritual because of misuse and superstitions of most Buddhists. But in doing so they have not preserved the aesthetic beauty of the Thai religion.
However, I observe that they have their own esoteric superstition, but just not the same ones. This might be the "Unitarianism" of Buddhism where they try to appreciate the essence of all religion. We progress to walking meditation, introduction to chanting as before, and the day progresses by routine.
By noon of the fourth day, I feel my left hip and leg being seriously strained. I take some aspirin and that helps a little, but my leg is becoming a serious distraction.
In the morning of the fifth day I wake and roll out of bed. For just a few seconds I notice there is a stiffness or a kink in my left hip and move to rotate my leg, "shake it out" which turns out to be a mistake and I pinch my nerve and find myself in terrible pain. Now what do I do? I can hardly walk. I start off for the meditation sala by using the walking stick I found yesterday. I barely make it and stand by my seat in serious discomfort trying not to disturb anyone around me. I decide I can't go to yoga of course, and I can only walk a short distance without stopping to let the pain subside. I make it to breakfast and don't have any appetite. After breakfast I stick around and ask for medication, they have some pain pills but it doesn't do me any good. I ask for ice and try that, but it doesn't help. I return to my room, and try to lie down but can't find a position to be comfortable. I decide I have to leave to visit a hospital to get some pain medication, at least some ibuprofen. I pack and struggle to get to the central dinning hall. I arrange for a ride to town but have to wait until 3:00 in the afternoon. The driver of the abbot takes me to town and I check in to the hospital. The young doctor interviews me and prescribes a shot for pain, and then some muscle relaxers etc. The visit to the hospital costs about three dollars. I decide that I need to return to Bangkok, so I ride to the train station on the back of a motorcycle carrying my rather large back/pack suitcase on my lap. I wait for the train in the heat (about 98F)and humidity (about 95%.) The train comes and takes me to a station in Sura Tani about 15 miles from the airport. Then I get a pickup/taxi and ride on the back of this covered pickup truck to the airport. The driver helps me (so we can find change, and he can get paid.) I get an airplane (about $75.00) to return to Bangkok. By now the pain shot medication has faded, but I am taking the other pills and manage to limp along by leaning forward. Kenbaba (my son) picks me up, and I am back to civilization, disgruntled for not having been able to stay for the entire retreat. But I did get some training, perhaps the most useful part.
Perhaps I will try again.

Day two of the retreat.

The bells at 4:00 are less unwelcome, since I woke a half-hour earlier to the raucous sound of some huge birds squabbling in the trees that grow in the courtyard of this men's dormitory. And I dress quickly after rinsing my body by dipping a bowl into the water tub outside my door. That is the way we clean ourselves and I will do my laundry in the same way on day four.
We move to meditation before 4:30 and sit and wait for whomever. Ajan Po comes and describes "catching" which is a way of focusing on the perceptions of our senses as they come into the "sense doors." I have thoughts about mindfulness, and wonder if it is really only 1/100th part of Buddhism. One of eight steps on the Eight Fold Path, which is one of four of the Four Noble Truths, which is one third part of the Triple Gems (three refuges) (dharma). Thus 8x4x3=96. Obviously an essential part that effects nearly everything else, but so are all the teachings interrelated. Therefore, why so much emphasis on mindfulness? I think it is a Western fad.
Our schedule for day Two is the same as One, with some different speakers. Again Yoga with an effort to be moderate, but noticing that I can do a little more. Breakfast and Lunch as usual features rice with Chinese savory cabbage: "I want to thank the caterpillar who left some of this savory organic cabbage for me."
At 2:30 the English monk clarified a little the background and importance of the sixteen step Anapanasati teaching of meditation. One important aspect is to chase or follow the breath rather than immediately identify a point and "guard" the breath, which is often taught and is actually step four of Anapanasati. He said this is very important to develop the "following" (which is also taught in Tibetan Buddhism.)
More walking meditation practice to break up the day, some more chanting and then tea at 6:00. After the 7:30 meditation we did a group night walking meditation and I found that I had difficulty with my balance but managed to go anyway. Those behind me must think I am drunk or drinking on the side. The stars were bright and beautiful around the several reflecting pools that during the day are full of pond muck and algae.
Sleep comes easily in spite of the hard surface my body confronts.

The retreat day one.

Up in the morning at the sound of the bells at 4:00 am is like being jerked by a chain. I get up but don't wake up until sometime along the dark path to the meditation hall, which is an open barn with a sand covered floor. I have already taken a seat so I arrange my cushions and initially sit. Then I decide to stand before the session starts to save my sitting muscles for the time when someone is talking. I am the only one standing however, but I suspect that later others will discover the advantage of doing so. Ajan Po, the local Abbot was the first to come to give us a welcome. His English is barely decipherable for me, a native speaker, and I imagine the others in the audience who are ESL are having even a more difficult time. But possibly hearing the words is just as important as hearing the message which is standard fare. About this I wrote:
The monk Ajhan Po
sits as a golden bronze lotus
and earnestly tries in his broken English
to make us whole.
We sit watching our breathing, in and out, long breaths, short breaths, chasing or following from the nose to the abdomen and back, etc. Mindfulness is just about initially following the breath, and later we presumably put that technique to more esoteric use.
We are after a short while sent to our Yoga session. I endeavor to follow the leader carefully, which, in spite of how cautious and careful I am, will prove to be fateful.
After Yoga we return to the meditation hall and listen to someone say something and sit in silence, a lot of silence, until 8:00, time for our breakfast gruel (which is probably labeled con-gee'.)
After breakfast we are to take up our one work task, but mine is to be done after lunch, so I troop to my room for a nap which is very welcome.
Back in the hall at 10:00 for more meditation laced with discussions of how to watch your breath, and how to live a better life. It turns out that the content of the lectures are of less importance and less memorable than the actual practice of simply breathing. We are discouraged from writing anything during the retreat because this might create distractions, and this process is all about minimizing distractions, so that our minds can mindfully follow our breath without more immediate thoughts challenging our attention, so I didn't keep a diary, as directed.
We are given a lesson in three part walking meditation, and then five part walking meditation, which practice is designed to help us learn to see reality as it is in each grueling detail -- elsewhere called "direct awareness". We are eventually sent off to practice this walking meditation until the lunchtime at 12:30. Lunch is rice with a topping and a few bananas and is the same every day. Our schedule is more or less the same each day, all the better to reduce distractions.
After lunch I return to my room and take out the garbage to burn it, not much of a fire but I do my job in silence. I return to my concrete slab for a nap. Then wake up in a jerk and in a sweat of course, since it is 30 C even in my cool room. I still have a half hour, "what to do", I meditate and half/sleep meditate until the bells ring. Then back to the meditation hall at 2:30 to hear the English man who has been a monk here for the last twenty years. Of course he is coherent, and humorous, interesting to listen to, but strangely dismissive of the impact of the retreat, and the potential for any significant happening in such a short time.
He indicates that the first four steps of Anapanasati are the most important and dismisses the impact or usefulness of the others (12). This is a surprise to me, and leads eventually to my conclusion that this meditation scheme is little more than a different "brand" of the mindfulness meditation that is taught in numerous other retreats across the world, and is therefore nothing particularly special and I needn't have gone to all the trouble to come here.
After his one hour session we go out to practice walking meditation, then back to the meditation hall for a short lecture by one of the nuns that run the place, apparently mostly as volunteers. Her English, again is challenging, and leads me to write later: "If you repeat the same phrase often enough, the most profound meaning is bound to break loose; or will it?" This nun leads an optional chanting session in another building which I attend and follow along in the back of the hall, wondering what is happening if anything: Do these chants make my Heart more pliable and amenable to development?
At 6:00 we go to the mess hall for tea or hot chocolate. Then a break until 7:30, no dinner, that's the Buddhist monk way, no eating after lunch. I don't seem to be hungry, perhaps thinking about the rice and gruel keeps my thoughts of the physical pleasure of eating at bay. It's dark by 7:30 and we sit in silence: "Staggering in the dark is who I am." I notice that because of the affect of my atrial fibrillation my inner ear has a diffcult time keeping me balanced, and in the dark this affect is even worse. We listen and meditate and brush away the mosquitoes on suicide missions.
Mindfulness of breathing is what unlocks all other considerations.
Bedtime by 9:30 with lights out and electricity off.

Past Time

It is past time that I recall and record the events associated with my travel to Suan Mokkh in southern Thailand, (near Chaiya and Sura Thani)where there is a retreat center and monastery devoted to the teaching of "mindfulness." On March 30 I traveled by "express" train west then south along the peninsula of Thailand, just a few miles across the mountains from Myanmar. First we passed rice fields, gradually changing to banana plantations and coconut orchards. I left at 8:00 and landed there about 16:30 with my one backpack suitcase in tow and an occasional smile on my face. As I disembarked I noticed similarly situated English speakers determined to go to the same place where I was headed, so I got their attention and we formed a loose group and made our way along the streets following a person who seemed to be expecting us and seemed to know where we were all going. Somehow four of us with our luggage crammed into a small car and we were taken to the monastery about 8 miles north (I think) of town. One guy couldn't fit so he came a little later somehow.
We were deposited in a heap in front of a small market area that spanned out on both sides of an old metal gate. Someone suggested that we needed perhaps to go through the gate and up the trail, they seemed to have been there before, or possibly they had dreamed it. I bought some water and took the straps out of my suitcase/backpack and stumbled up the rough trail about 1/4 mile until the reception area was clearly in view. I began reading various signs and notices, until I found a schedule, a sign in book, and got the general impression that I along with the dozen or so others by that time, were all in the right place. Someone was instructed to proceed to the men's dormitory and I determined to follow him. There was no charge for staying there the night before the retreat was to start, some of this I remembered from having read the web site prior to my arrival.
The trail to the dormitory was not marked, but we followed a well used path, avoiding roots and offering greetings to the two monkeys (apes?)that were having a late afternoon snack. This monastery was in a lush forest with considerable undergrowth and lush decaying leaves in between the few open areas that were variously used for drying laundry or walking meditation. The general impression was one of untidiness and disrepair, with some of the outbuildings crumbling in disuse or doors rusted shut.
Dormitories were somewhat better and looked habitable; we chose one and entered where there were obvious signs of use, found the mosquito nets in a box, the bamboo mats, on two flat wooden platforms along the length of the walls, screened openings for windows and two rows of posts holding the floor above. I spread out the mat and Kenbaba's (my son's)cushion camping mat, and hung the net, more or less following the pattern of the others. With that I was ready for a cozy night's sleep on the flat hard surface. There was a shower and a toilet nearby, so we were fixed for the night, which was still hot and muggy and I was drenched in sweat, so proceeded to change and clean myself before dark. I was rather uncomfortable with a pain in my back, which I had thought was a muscle cramp, but which I eventually deduced was in my liver or kidney because of all the medication I was taking for my heart issue. I finally resolved to stop taking the meds, and in fact the next two days brought relief from this pain, but not before spending an agonizing night trying to find a position to lie where I was not assaulted by serious back pain.
The morning came before daylight with the rather serious ringing of bells at 4:00 am. I got up and relieved by fatigue from trying to sleep, walked around and found no one doing anything in particular and went back to sleep for a couple hours. I was up for the new day before 7:00 am, as per the schedule, which didn't really seem to be much of a schedule, but finally a group formed and we determined that we were to walk across the highway via the pedestrian bridge and wait for a truck. We were too many for the truck but we were able to onload our luggage then walk the two miles or so along the road leading to the retreat compound. When we got there we sat in a mass waiting for further instructions which eventually came; we signed in, surrendered our passports, paid our bht2,000, and were given a key for our individual rooms, boys in one dorm and girls in another. There were about 100 attendees eventually, straggling in during the day, about half male/female, from probably 30 countries, who were required to speak English because the retreat was led in English. (I was in room 205. My job was to burn the daily garbage and used toilet paper.) We went to our rooms before lunch and hung our mosquito nets, laid our bamboo mats on the concrete shelf/bed and unpacked our luggage, settling in.
Lunch was rice and two different toppings, one with hop pepper, I chose the green bland one. This was typical each day as it turned out, with bananas and zesty cabbage which had obviously been grown organically.
We watched a video about Suan Mokkh, Buddhadasa Bikkhu the founder, and Anapanasati in the afternoon, then at 7:30 we met for "orientation". I had studied this kind of meditation so I was reasonably prepared for what was to come. After this main meeting, still before the first day, we were required to be silent, no talking among ourselves or during meetings except those few times when questions were invited. The silence is to reduce the quantity of distractions, reduce the arising of additional mental wanderings, eliminate any male/female interactions even between spouses, and practically, I suspect, it makes the administration of the retreat a whole lot easier because most questions people might have, and it was true for me, were answered in a day or two of patient listening. I think I fell asleep on the concrete bed in about 10 seconds after lying down, in spite of the unaccustomed hardness and the wood block pillow.
This was the beginning of my meditation retreat, which seemed like a mystery/treasure hunt, not knowing what to do next, but somehow finding a few clues that kept me going in the right direction with only minimum detours. The retreat itself comes in the next post.

Coasting Along

Just an update on my prognosis. I seem to be doing alright, which is just a notch below just fine. I have woozy symptoms when I walk, I should be using a cane, or one of those sexy four wheeled slider-walkers just so I don't fall, but I haven't quite got to that point yet. My heart beat is still fouled up, atrial fibrillation, and I take pills to lower my blood pressure, one to kill rats, one to reduce bad cholesterol another for something I've forgotten why, and a vitamin just for good measure. Once my rat poison (warfarin) medicine is stable for three weeks or so they will shock me if my heart hasn't retreated to is normal beat by that time. In the mean time I get to go to San Antonio to visit 4 grandchildren Mar 15-22, and then to Thailand Mar 25-April 20 to visit two more, and all that time I have to keep taking pills and be monitored for levels and such. But I can "live a normal life" the doctor said. No problem mate! I can do that. I taught school half a day yesterday, and am scheduled to teach a full day tomorrow, PE. I expect to sit and watch the kids and walk around enough just to get some exercise.
Today I tried to keep up with spring by digging up some misplaced tulips that showed up in the middle of the back yard. I transplanted them into three new pots that I bought last weekend (Libby paid for them because I used her card ;-)) and once the season is over we will put them in some logical border area somewhere. I happen to love tulips so I am quite happy they showed up. Can't wait to see what color they are!!!
I had a nice relaxing dip in the hot tub.
It is rather pleasant here, albeit cold. We can see West and South out over the Palouse hills and watch the weather coast along and come sliding past our sentinel firs, with the new fronts and black clouds followed by blue patches of clean, fresh winter sky.

The heart of irony.

Atrial fibrillation
I've got it and here's what it is:
a supraventricular tachyarrhythmia. Paroxysmal atrial fibrillation is associated with increased morbidity and mortality, in part due to the risk for thromboembolic disease. Atrial fibrillation treatment using medications or ablation may reduce recurrence, control ventricular rate, and reduce stroke risk. Management of atrial fibrillation symptoms should emphasize risk assessment, treatment, and monitoring according to established atrial fibrillation guidelines.

I am taking pills to reduce my blood pressure, and pills to reduce the risk of a blood clot. I hate this part. But apparently this has been the cause of some dizzy spells I have experienced. Hopefully the current episode of irregular heartbeat will correct itself in the next few weeks. If I still feel woozzy I may not be able to go to Thailand on March 25.

Definition
By Mayo Clinic staff

During atrial fibrillation, the heart's two upper chambers (the atria) beat chaotically and irregularly — out of coordination with the two lower chambers (the ventricles) of the heart. Atrial fibrillation is an irregular and often rapid heart rate that commonly causes poor blood flow to the body and symptoms of heart palpitations, shortness of breath and weakness.

Atrial fibrillation can also cause fatigue and stroke. It's often caused by changes in your heart that occur as a result of heart disease or high blood pressure. Episodes of atrial fibrillation can come and go, or you may have chronic atrial fibrillation.

Although atrial fibrillation itself usually isn't life-threatening, it is a medical emergency. It can lead to complications. Treatments for atrial fibrillation may include medications and other interventions to try to alter the heart's electrical system.

So now that I have been diagnosed and am under treatment it solves a few mysteries and I feel more confident that I can live comfortably and in a more or less normal way. The irony is that my last post in this blog was about the allegorical Heart, and I was suggesting how important the development and appreciation of the role of the Heart is in implementing the useful principles of Buddhism. So it goes.